“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I have just recently resigned from a job I really loved. Though it was such a pain to leave, circumstances forced me to get out before I lose the last vestiges of my sanity. When people were asking me why I resigned, I jokingly told them, it was for health reasons and to their questioning look, I was quick to retort...”mental health!”
Sleep back when I had a job was so precious that the day after I left that damn office, the bed became my friend and solace. But now that it has been 2 weeks of catching up on my much needed zzzzzzzs, I can feel boredom slowly creeping in. To say my mood is foul is an understatement; I am feeling sad, bored, angry, depressed, and useless. Pretty soon too much crying is getting to be a bore too. Oh crap! Literally, this is what bored to tears is. It felt like the two and a half years on that job sapped all the physical energy in me. I feel I was used, abused, bullied, maligned, discarded like trash and it deeply hurts. This must be how withdrawal feels – left with nothing to do after a long time of back-breaking need to keep up with work. Not that there is a lack of something to do. There are chores that needed to be done but just thinking about chores makes me want to go back to sleep again. I needed to do something that will stimulate my sleepy brain neurons! That was one of the perks and the best thing I liked about my previous job, it was intellectually stimulating.
The box containing my personal things from the office has been sitting around untouched for weeks and gathering dust. I reluctantly pushed myself out of the bed and headed for the box. Most of it was my books, so I decided to sort and fix them along with the pile of my personal collection of books in my bookcase. But as I attempted to do this, I got sidetracked by something I have always loved to do, READING. Amusingly, I thought this was the perfect time. I have loads of unread books (those I bought and borrowed but was too busy to read) and lots of spare time on my hands. I congratulated myself because I got to finish 2 books I have started way back, reread one but ended up with still a whole pile of books and things that still needed to be sorted out and arranged.
I wonder if most people are like me, I have this habit of reading books which I have already read. I do not know why but I enjoy this exercise. I am amazed how at different times of my life my perception of the same book changes. Amidst the mental turmoil and my mood swings nowadays, the book Little Prince caught my interest and leads me to introspection. I thought this was better than crying and sleeping my way through depression.
The first time I read the book was when I was in my teens. I had to read it because it was part of my English reading list. I had to write a couple of smart sentences on what I thought about it, and mainly to impress my English teacher enough to give me a good grade. I wonder what I thought about it then or did I succeed to impress my teacher. Maybe then I thought it was just another story. The book is about the crossing of the lives of a little child and a pilot both lost in the desert and how their friendship grew. The storyline is simple but it I thought it spoke of many of life’s great truths. Today as I reread it, I am totally awed how it touched me and how I came to realize the reason why there is burning need to keep some part of me remain like a child. Not a few people have told me that there are times that it felt like talking to a 5-year-old when they converse with me and no wonder why I find repartees with my young nephews and nieces more interesting and stimulating than conversations with some adults.
Like a child, I want to love and be loved back, loving fiercely and fearless of rejection. I may be an adult but I still yearn to be taken cared of and pampered with attention like a child. It is interesting to note how distinct we all remember the first time we fell in love when we were mere children. We remember every little detail, how it felt, the vibrant colors, sounds and scents that went with it and how everything seems to be pulsating and alive at that time. It felt like the world revolved around the object of our affection and that intense focus felt like every breath depended on that person that we almost want to hold time in our hands and make it stop to make the feeling last forever. We close our eyes and go back to that heady feeling like it was just yesterday. That is how juvenile love feels because it is pure and untainted. A child’s heart is always welcoming without prejudices and fear. It does not think, it just feels. It is unadulterated, a very apt word I may say.
Like a child, I still easily get hurt and yearn for somebody to soothe my broken heart and allay my fears. I cry a bucket when I am deeply touched or deeply hurt. It still amazes me how children cry at a drop of a hat and how they instantly stop when given a chocolate bar or candy or when they are embraced or kissed by loved one. In the adult world, I guess crying is perceived as a weakness. I cannot help it but crying is somewhat therapeutic for me. The free flowing of tears somehow washes my pain and frustrations away. Tears come almost instantly when I feel I am one with my God or when life’s great truths stare right at me. I instantly know when somebody or an incident touches the depths of my soul – tears come uncontrollably without any warning. Crying cleanses my soul. It is like a much needed rain that cleanses the parched earth and turns everything alive again. I must admit though that too much crying can be tiring at times.
Like a child, I like to keep my sense of wonderment and embrace new things and ideas bravely. It is with this attitude that opens my mind to a capacity unimagined. It is with childlike gusto that I learn new things and not be afraid of making mistakes. I am very inquisitive and I am not ashamed of asking questions, that sometimes I feel I sound stupid already to the poor guy I am pestering with a thousand and one queries. Hey I am just honest enough that I do not know a lot of things but I am willing to learn. It is amazing how our minds can learn anything at any age. It is the act of sharing and teaching of what we have learned that matters. Life is an endless journey of learning from each other. I still keep a dream in my heart that someday I will see places and people I only read and heard about. There is this burning desire for me to travel and see what is beyond this realm around me. I have this need and I know I must make it happen. I have read this beautiful truth somewhere, learning stops when we stop believing.
Like a child, I like to be playful with life and not be too serious about it. This one is pretty hard to do after all that life has dished out to me. Who says that life is easy or fair? It can be miserable at times but with all the strength that I got, I try to make it into a happy little world. I admit it is a struggle and it takes a lot of conscious effort. I enjoy a good laugh and conversations with people who matter most to me. I laugh at the mundane things. I try to smile even when there is nothing to smile about. I relive and rehash happy moments in times of despair. When somebody close to my heart hurts me and makes me cry, I go back to the times he made me laugh silly. The ones I truly treasure in my life are those who make this crazy life like a big playground. The one who pushes my swing to heights I thought I cannot reach, the one on the other end of the seesaw who keeps me balanced, the one who runs and play with me in total abandon, and best of all is the one who holds my hand when I am afraid and helps me get up when I fall down and hurt myself.
My dour mood may have affected my perception of the book today. Maybe I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position like a child, cry my heart out and tell the world that I am in serious need of someone to soothe my frustrations away until I have the strength to stand up again.
There is a universal quest for the elusive fountain of youth and be like Peter Pan who refuses to grow up. For some, it is physical – ageless beauty in a bottled cream or relentless dyeing of hair to hide the greying strands. But for others it is going back to the innocence of childhood when everything was uncomplicated, uncluttered, and where love abounds.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Two Uh Oh Nine
The year 2009 has been kind of a tumultuous one for me. I experienced the highest highs but also have been thrown some hard punches that knocked me out to the lowest lows. The first part of the year started not so brightly when I had to endure a 3-day forced leave for some unfortunate incident which happened in the office while I was on my one-day leave for a cousin's wedding last November of 2008 (my first and only vacation leave that I filed after a year of work). But given the breadth of my responsibility, I had to take the brunt for the unfortunate incident despite the fact that I was not physically in the office and someone else was supposed to be in charge. Maybe it was a foreboding of the events that were to unfold towards the last quarter of the year. I took that incident all in stride and was confident that I had support from where I needed it most and completely forgot about it and focused on better and brighter things ahead.
Things indeed became bright, targets and goals were achieved, and new milestones reached. Alongside these, friendships flourished and strong bonds were formed. I have met the best people who have influenced me a great deal but I also met the fiercest detractors and the worst people I have known in my entire life. But I guess that is jumping the gun.
I did not have any posts last year but I have written quite a number the last 3 months of 2009 that I have yet to publish. They are all nicely hidden in my journal and I am still contemplating on what and when will they finally get published. My hesitation stems from the fact that they were written when I was not at my best and usual self. I fear that some people may perceive them as ranting and whining but I guess that is what they really are. But really, who cares what other people will think. They are my feelings, my rants, and my thoughts. Julie Powell in her Julia/Julie book was perfectly right when she wrote "one thing about blogging is that it gives you a blank check for whining."
I am no expert in writing and do not possess the flair or style of experienced bloggers. I cannot pen poems or interesting short stories. I never entertained thoughts of writing or winning a Nobel Prize for writing either. But ever since I was a kid I have always had what I would call a love affair with words. The power of words and beautiful language has always and still fascinates me. I devoured any reading material that caught my fancy. I would have read a lot more if the prices of books were affordable, and it is sad that I live nowhere near a library. I can stay in a bookstore for hours in a window-reading spree. Reading in a quiet comfort of a couch on a rainy night is a bliss for me. I guess the romance of the written language stirs me and I longingly admire those gifted people who can string up words into lovely sentences and intricately weave them into a story. The closest I got to writing was chronicling my life in those silly diaries when I was a teen, of which I lost interest in since there were no earth-shattering events happening to me then that was worth writing about. Nowadays, I just write about what I feel, and how I feel at the moment. My mind is in overdrive - interesting thoughts and feelings keep popping and I needed to write them down and sort them out. When a good friend was asking me what I was busy with these days, I replied, "writing about nonsensical things that make sense to me." Somehow writing has become a release, some kind of ritual to exorcise my demons. And I am hoping someday, somehow the ranting and whining will metamorphose into something I can be proud of. But for now let me rant away as I publish my first post for 2010.
Things indeed became bright, targets and goals were achieved, and new milestones reached. Alongside these, friendships flourished and strong bonds were formed. I have met the best people who have influenced me a great deal but I also met the fiercest detractors and the worst people I have known in my entire life. But I guess that is jumping the gun.
I did not have any posts last year but I have written quite a number the last 3 months of 2009 that I have yet to publish. They are all nicely hidden in my journal and I am still contemplating on what and when will they finally get published. My hesitation stems from the fact that they were written when I was not at my best and usual self. I fear that some people may perceive them as ranting and whining but I guess that is what they really are. But really, who cares what other people will think. They are my feelings, my rants, and my thoughts. Julie Powell in her Julia/Julie book was perfectly right when she wrote "one thing about blogging is that it gives you a blank check for whining."
I am no expert in writing and do not possess the flair or style of experienced bloggers. I cannot pen poems or interesting short stories. I never entertained thoughts of writing or winning a Nobel Prize for writing either. But ever since I was a kid I have always had what I would call a love affair with words. The power of words and beautiful language has always and still fascinates me. I devoured any reading material that caught my fancy. I would have read a lot more if the prices of books were affordable, and it is sad that I live nowhere near a library. I can stay in a bookstore for hours in a window-reading spree. Reading in a quiet comfort of a couch on a rainy night is a bliss for me. I guess the romance of the written language stirs me and I longingly admire those gifted people who can string up words into lovely sentences and intricately weave them into a story. The closest I got to writing was chronicling my life in those silly diaries when I was a teen, of which I lost interest in since there were no earth-shattering events happening to me then that was worth writing about. Nowadays, I just write about what I feel, and how I feel at the moment. My mind is in overdrive - interesting thoughts and feelings keep popping and I needed to write them down and sort them out. When a good friend was asking me what I was busy with these days, I replied, "writing about nonsensical things that make sense to me." Somehow writing has become a release, some kind of ritual to exorcise my demons. And I am hoping someday, somehow the ranting and whining will metamorphose into something I can be proud of. But for now let me rant away as I publish my first post for 2010.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
My Rare Finds
It is a lazy Saturday afternoon, a welcome break from work. Actually that is a bit of a lie because I cannot seem to stop working even from home and ever since I learned a few things in the computer, I cannot keep away from it once I hit the start button.
I am tinkering around the computer and was wondering what I could write about in my next blog, and lately, I have been mulling over my relationships. So I guess it is only fitting that I write about them because I am very fortunate to have quite a number of friends who I love dearly.
I distinctly remember one of my good friends telling me way back... "you know what Loraine, you should not take your friends for granted." At that time I was a young
wife and young mother. I was so engrossed with my 2 young babies and my husband, and my world revolved around them. She said that apart from family, friends are our treasures in life. She warned me that if I keep myself away from friends, then I will be the loneliest when I grow old. Way back then I was thinking, oh maybe she is just a little bit melodramatic because I did not have time to see her as often as she would have wanted.
An interesting thing happened lately that made me take a long hard look at my relationships. I never thought that an office team building activity would trigger so much emotion but it did. And this I realized, I am one lucky person to have an amazing set of friends who I love to no end. Oh do not think it was easy finding them. I must say that in any relationship, be it love or friendship, one is bound to be hurt one way or another. But I guess that is the way love is, and to borrow the words of a friend of mine, it can take you to heights of "extreme pleasure and pain." Such simple words but true. I guess that is why God made our hearts that way, a very strong muscle to take the beating of the hurts that some people inflict on it, and at the same time strong enough not to burst when we feel pleasure and happiness. Yes, I could say my heart has taken a lot of beating from people I consider my friends, but it is mighty unfair for me to expect too much from some people to return the same intensity of love I give. I guess that is the way love is, expecting nothing in return. Or am I just saying that to protect my heart from getting hurt. Somebody once told me that I am setting myself up for a heartbreak because I invest too much love on people who show me the slightest affection. But I guess that is the way I am. For how can I find the treasure if I do not even dig among the dirt. And along the way, I am proud to say I found beautiful and precious stones among the rocks and dirt. Consider yourself lucky if you have found a diamond, for they are rare. Cherish and keep them forever. Sometimes we find coal, friends who need some time and polishing to bring out the brilliant sparkle of the diamond hidden beneath the dark surface. And sometimes, we find treasures in unexpected places and they are a pleasant surprise. A breath of fresh air. Just when you think you have enough precious stones in your little treasure chest, you find there is still space for a new one. It is a rare find indeed if you find someone who can laugh with you and at you, someone who can be as silly if not sillier than you, someone who helps you to no end without asking for something in return, someone who tells you you are wrong because you really are and not sugarcoat it, someone who you can talk to for hours end and still not run out of things to talk about, someone who pesters you or irks you but someone you miss terribly as soon as the pestering stops, someone who puts a smile on your face even when there is nothing to smile about, and best of all, someone who talks and listens to your soul as if it is the most natural thing to do. I will never regret the hurts I have been through in my search for the precious stones in my life. The wounds that the sharp rocks and dirt inflicted on me have helped me appreciate more the joys and laughter my precious friends and I share. The appellation "friend" is not a term I use loosely because I take it to heart when I call you such. It comes with my respect, trust, love and affection. I am very lucky to have found the truest ones, because I know they will always be with me in my journey through life.
I am tinkering around the computer and was wondering what I could write about in my next blog, and lately, I have been mulling over my relationships. So I guess it is only fitting that I write about them because I am very fortunate to have quite a number of friends who I love dearly.
I distinctly remember one of my good friends telling me way back... "you know what Loraine, you should not take your friends for granted." At that time I was a young
wife and young mother. I was so engrossed with my 2 young babies and my husband, and my world revolved around them. She said that apart from family, friends are our treasures in life. She warned me that if I keep myself away from friends, then I will be the loneliest when I grow old. Way back then I was thinking, oh maybe she is just a little bit melodramatic because I did not have time to see her as often as she would have wanted.
An interesting thing happened lately that made me take a long hard look at my relationships. I never thought that an office team building activity would trigger so much emotion but it did. And this I realized, I am one lucky person to have an amazing set of friends who I love to no end. Oh do not think it was easy finding them. I must say that in any relationship, be it love or friendship, one is bound to be hurt one way or another. But I guess that is the way love is, and to borrow the words of a friend of mine, it can take you to heights of "extreme pleasure and pain." Such simple words but true. I guess that is why God made our hearts that way, a very strong muscle to take the beating of the hurts that some people inflict on it, and at the same time strong enough not to burst when we feel pleasure and happiness. Yes, I could say my heart has taken a lot of beating from people I consider my friends, but it is mighty unfair for me to expect too much from some people to return the same intensity of love I give. I guess that is the way love is, expecting nothing in return. Or am I just saying that to protect my heart from getting hurt. Somebody once told me that I am setting myself up for a heartbreak because I invest too much love on people who show me the slightest affection. But I guess that is the way I am. For how can I find the treasure if I do not even dig among the dirt. And along the way, I am proud to say I found beautiful and precious stones among the rocks and dirt. Consider yourself lucky if you have found a diamond, for they are rare. Cherish and keep them forever. Sometimes we find coal, friends who need some time and polishing to bring out the brilliant sparkle of the diamond hidden beneath the dark surface. And sometimes, we find treasures in unexpected places and they are a pleasant surprise. A breath of fresh air. Just when you think you have enough precious stones in your little treasure chest, you find there is still space for a new one. It is a rare find indeed if you find someone who can laugh with you and at you, someone who can be as silly if not sillier than you, someone who helps you to no end without asking for something in return, someone who tells you you are wrong because you really are and not sugarcoat it, someone who you can talk to for hours end and still not run out of things to talk about, someone who pesters you or irks you but someone you miss terribly as soon as the pestering stops, someone who puts a smile on your face even when there is nothing to smile about, and best of all, someone who talks and listens to your soul as if it is the most natural thing to do. I will never regret the hurts I have been through in my search for the precious stones in my life. The wounds that the sharp rocks and dirt inflicted on me have helped me appreciate more the joys and laughter my precious friends and I share. The appellation "friend" is not a term I use loosely because I take it to heart when I call you such. It comes with my respect, trust, love and affection. I am very lucky to have found the truest ones, because I know they will always be with me in my journey through life.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Walking on a wire...
I never thought I will have the guts to write about this because my emotions are very raw when it comes to this topic, but I guess it is when I am faced with trying situations and when I feel so frustrated and disappointed that I look back at the time of my life when I discovered my inner strength, my resiliency, and the power I had within me that I thought I never had. I will never forget that day...
It was in December of 2005 when I woke up with a lower abdominal pain that was so intense that I cannot even manage to stand up. I knew something was wrong because in the past months, I have experienced out of the ordinary menstrual cramps which usually go away when I took pain relievers. I did not think they were serious, just the usual dysmenorrhea, but that December morning, it was different. That day I decided to see my gynecologist. I thought it was the best time since I was on a Christmas break ( I was taking up a 6-month medical transcription course at that time). After the usual physical examination, my doctor told me that I had to go through an ultrasound test. And she told me not to worry too much. I had the ultrasound, and when I was in the waiting area of the clinic looking at the sonologist typing the result of my ultrasound, I definitely knew there was something wrong. I was half way through my medical transcription course at that time, and I understood every word that was written in the result of my ultrasound. I smiled and thought to myself, sometimes too much knowledge can be a curse. My gynecologist upon reading the results of my ultrasound test says that I have adenomyosis and my left ovary was cystically enlarged but was told not to worry. My option was to have a hysterectomy. My gynecologist, did not have a hard time explaining to me the procedure and I was finishing her sentences for her. TAHBSO...total abdominal hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy... phew that was a mouthful.. but it just means they are going to take out my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes ... practically my whole reproductive system. At my age, that was the least of my concern because I already have two wonderful children.
My concern at that time was that I am in the middle of my medical transcription course and I wanted to finish it badly. I never thought I would fall in love with medical transcription (after all, I thought it could never top my greatest passion which is cooking), but I did. When I was in MT school, I enjoyed every minute of it because it was very stimulating, and I love the people I met and became friends with in school. So my question to the doctor was if can I defer the operation until I finish my MT course, which was March of 2006. And she said yes. So I went back to school after the Christmas break and finished my MT course. A job was already waiting for me but I had to defer employment until my operation was done. In January, my gynecologist scheduled another ultrasound to check if the lining of my uterus was still thickened and ordered a Doppler ultrasound. I knew that a Doppler ultrasound is a much more sophisticated ultrasound used to check if there are malignancies. I was so nervous at the time I had my Doppler, because there were two OB sonologists studying the imaging while I was listening in to their exchange of medical jargon. Little did they know that I was able to understand every thing they said. Well, all the research in the NET and all the medical dictionaries I had at home were a great help. I was relieved when I read my Doppler results because it says there that I had polyps in my uterus but they are benign. Boy was I relieved. So my gynecologist scheduled my operation on March 30, 2006. By that time, I have finished my MT course and was done with the two qualifying exams, and I was a certified medical transcriptionist. Arrangements were made for my operation, but I was forewarned that it is a standard operational procedure for the hospital to order a rush frozen section while I was still on the operating table. And that there will be a standby consultant if the need arises, dependent on the result of the rush frozen section (my gynecologist need not explain to me that specimens were to be sent to Pathology to check for malignancies while I was in the middle of the operation and they will not close me up until the results of the rush frozen section were available). So, I went through the operation, and the last thing I remembered was my husband and I talking about our plans after the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I saw my husband's face and boy was I glad that the operation was finally over. Of course inquisitive Loraine cannot wait to ask what the result of the rush frozen section was. My husband and my brother would not answer my question. They told me to relax, not to worry and just to wait for my attending doctor to tell me the results. I was just glad that my husband, my brother and my sisters were there. Next day, my attending doctor finally came in for her rounds with another doctor with a nice smile. Before she could start to tell me the prognosis, I beat her to it by asking a barrage of questions. What was the result of the rush frozen section? I told her there must be some findings because there would not be another doctor there with her if everything was alright. True enough, she introduced me to the other doctor, an OBGYN oncologist.
It was all a blur from then on. I was told I had endometrial stromal sarcoma, and there was nodal invasion. Ha! That means I had stage III cancer. I felt all eyes were looking at me, and they were all waiting for me to react violently to the news. But to everybody's surprise, I told my doctors a matter of factly, "Now that we know I am sick, what would be our battle plan because I will not wait around and let this disease beat me." I promised my doctors I will be still around to see my children get married and live to be a grandmother. The good doctor with a nice smile told me that he was flabbergasted by my response. He looked at me straight in the eye and told me that it is okay to cry. He told me he was little apprehensive because my reaction was a little bit unsettling. He made sure I was not in denial. I told the good doctor that even I was surprised at myself.
The days that followed were a roller-coaster of emotions. When I am alone, which was rare because there were always friends, classmates, relatives and family around who visited me in the hospital, I cried my heart out. I did not let my husband see me cry. I had to put up a brave front. What pains me most is not the disease itself but the pain and hurt it brought to my loved ones eyes. Little did I know that the day after my operation, my husband and my brother and sisters were crying their hearts out when they knew of my prognosis. My parents were told and they were very distressed. It was decided that my children would be told. I cannot bear to see them hurt so I acted as normal as I can but deep inside I can almost feel my heart being ripped apart.
What hurts the most was the realization of how short a life we are all given in this world. I felt time is running out for me. I realized my mortality. And the most painful was the realization that if I do leave this world... life will continue on without me...yes my loved ones will grieve for a while but they will have to move on...without me... that hurts like hell. This is so unfair, I thought to myself. I cannot just go when it is so good to be alive. I desperately wanted to be a part of my family and friends' lives. I have so many things to do. I have so many dreams that I have yet to realize. I have not even gone to all the fantastic places in the Philippines. I want to see the world. I want to see Italy to taste and feel its culinary richness. I want to see France and be awed by its museums. I want to see Switzerland and see the magnificent alps. I want to experience winter and see snow. :-) I want to visit Rome and see the Pope. Oh so many things to do, so many places to see in so little time.
The months that followed were the most challenging... endless visits to the doctors, numerous tests.. bone scan.. chest CT.. abdominal CT, and of course the chemotherapy sessions. I met the most cool doctor, my med/onco. She is a no nonsense doctor. She explained to me the regimen she would be administering. She explained all the side effects I would be experiencing. Of course through all of these, financial problems were mounting. The chemotherapy sessions were very costly. I did not know how it happened and how I finished those 12 sessions of chemotherapy and 28 days of radiation when I have no money to my name. Needless to say help poured in from family and friends and up to now I owe a lot of people money. I surprised my doctors because chemotherapy was a breeze for me. Of course I felt all those side effects my doctor warned me about, but I guess it was how I fought them that pulled me through. The most depressing part was when I started to lose my hair, not because I am vain but because that was the time I realized, I AM REALLY SICK. I never thought it would be that fast. Imagine sleeping the night before with all your hair and waking up the next day with blobs of hair in the pillow. I was afraid to comb my hair because it would literally fall off until nothing was left. I can almost feel the raw pain in my husband's eyes when he looks at me. I do not care so much for appearances and in fact I shock people when I do not wear my bandana and the wig my sister bought me because it was too damn uncomfortable. My friends were even more surprised because while I was going through treatment I would go to the mall and watch a movie and meet my friends for lunch. I just have to go on with life. My mom says I am too hardheaded. I knew I was immunocompromised but that did not stop me. Thank God I did not catch anything, not even a cold. I remember everybody in the house catching a cold because of the rainy season and I was the only one who was spared. Friends who saw me cannot believe that I was sick. In fact they tell me that I have that certain look, that I looked peaceful and contented and that I looked radiant and beautiful. My doctor friend who was my mentor in MT school told me I am the only person she knew who went through chemotherapy and improved in appearance. Maybe because I lost weight at that time. Hahahaha! :-)There was a time in my life when I avoided looking at myself in the mirror, but now when I do, I smile because I like what I see, and it is beyond the physical looks. I knew what people saw in me...inner peace and calmness because I now realize what really matters... FINALLY I GET WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT AND IT IS AN INTOXICATING FEELING, A NATURAL HIGH, MORE POTENT THAN ANY MEDICINE IN THIS WORLD.. I will not even attempt to define it because I cannot. I just feel it. Once I heard a cancer survivor say that she wishes everybody the things she learned minus the sickness, and I totally agree with her.
Ironically, it was the most challenging chapter of my life, yet it was the time I felt the happiest. I felt the love of God, the warm love of family and friends. It was when I finally got what life is all about. Even the smallest thing I am thankful for. One time when I was walking on my way to work, I looked around me and I was awed and I cried because I felt so alive. The realization was so amazing. Before, I easily get pissed even at the smallest things, but now nothing fazes me anymore. Oh I still get frustrated when perfect situations go wrong, when people make life difficult for me, when some people are so petty, when they are so full of themselves, when their ego is as big as the world, and when people misunderstand my intensity and gung-ho attitude, but I take it all in stride because I know what really matters. After all, life is too short to be wasted on petty things. My fervent prayer is not to lose sight of this and keep this feeling alive in my heart forever.
** Thank you to my dear artist friend Beth Parrocha-Doctolero for lending me one of her paintings. She says it is my picture.The title is wirewalker and xtra large :-). It is part of her alphabet watercolor collection. She tells me that I am like the elephant in the picture... walking on a wire and yet there is sheer joy on the elephant's face. :-)
It was in December of 2005 when I woke up with a lower abdominal pain that was so intense that I cannot even manage to stand up. I knew something was wrong because in the past months, I have experienced out of the ordinary menstrual cramps which usually go away when I took pain relievers. I did not think they were serious, just the usual dysmenorrhea, but that December morning, it was different. That day I decided to see my gynecologist. I thought it was the best time since I was on a Christmas break ( I was taking up a 6-month medical transcription course at that time). After the usual physical examination, my doctor told me that I had to go through an ultrasound test. And she told me not to worry too much. I had the ultrasound, and when I was in the waiting area of the clinic looking at the sonologist typing the result of my ultrasound, I definitely knew there was something wrong. I was half way through my medical transcription course at that time, and I understood every word that was written in the result of my ultrasound. I smiled and thought to myself, sometimes too much knowledge can be a curse. My gynecologist upon reading the results of my ultrasound test says that I have adenomyosis and my left ovary was cystically enlarged but was told not to worry. My option was to have a hysterectomy. My gynecologist, did not have a hard time explaining to me the procedure and I was finishing her sentences for her. TAHBSO...total abdominal hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy... phew that was a mouthful.. but it just means they are going to take out my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes ... practically my whole reproductive system. At my age, that was the least of my concern because I already have two wonderful children.
My concern at that time was that I am in the middle of my medical transcription course and I wanted to finish it badly. I never thought I would fall in love with medical transcription (after all, I thought it could never top my greatest passion which is cooking), but I did. When I was in MT school, I enjoyed every minute of it because it was very stimulating, and I love the people I met and became friends with in school. So my question to the doctor was if can I defer the operation until I finish my MT course, which was March of 2006. And she said yes. So I went back to school after the Christmas break and finished my MT course. A job was already waiting for me but I had to defer employment until my operation was done. In January, my gynecologist scheduled another ultrasound to check if the lining of my uterus was still thickened and ordered a Doppler ultrasound. I knew that a Doppler ultrasound is a much more sophisticated ultrasound used to check if there are malignancies. I was so nervous at the time I had my Doppler, because there were two OB sonologists studying the imaging while I was listening in to their exchange of medical jargon. Little did they know that I was able to understand every thing they said. Well, all the research in the NET and all the medical dictionaries I had at home were a great help. I was relieved when I read my Doppler results because it says there that I had polyps in my uterus but they are benign. Boy was I relieved. So my gynecologist scheduled my operation on March 30, 2006. By that time, I have finished my MT course and was done with the two qualifying exams, and I was a certified medical transcriptionist. Arrangements were made for my operation, but I was forewarned that it is a standard operational procedure for the hospital to order a rush frozen section while I was still on the operating table. And that there will be a standby consultant if the need arises, dependent on the result of the rush frozen section (my gynecologist need not explain to me that specimens were to be sent to Pathology to check for malignancies while I was in the middle of the operation and they will not close me up until the results of the rush frozen section were available). So, I went through the operation, and the last thing I remembered was my husband and I talking about our plans after the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I saw my husband's face and boy was I glad that the operation was finally over. Of course inquisitive Loraine cannot wait to ask what the result of the rush frozen section was. My husband and my brother would not answer my question. They told me to relax, not to worry and just to wait for my attending doctor to tell me the results. I was just glad that my husband, my brother and my sisters were there. Next day, my attending doctor finally came in for her rounds with another doctor with a nice smile. Before she could start to tell me the prognosis, I beat her to it by asking a barrage of questions. What was the result of the rush frozen section? I told her there must be some findings because there would not be another doctor there with her if everything was alright. True enough, she introduced me to the other doctor, an OBGYN oncologist.
It was all a blur from then on. I was told I had endometrial stromal sarcoma, and there was nodal invasion. Ha! That means I had stage III cancer. I felt all eyes were looking at me, and they were all waiting for me to react violently to the news. But to everybody's surprise, I told my doctors a matter of factly, "Now that we know I am sick, what would be our battle plan because I will not wait around and let this disease beat me." I promised my doctors I will be still around to see my children get married and live to be a grandmother. The good doctor with a nice smile told me that he was flabbergasted by my response. He looked at me straight in the eye and told me that it is okay to cry. He told me he was little apprehensive because my reaction was a little bit unsettling. He made sure I was not in denial. I told the good doctor that even I was surprised at myself.
The days that followed were a roller-coaster of emotions. When I am alone, which was rare because there were always friends, classmates, relatives and family around who visited me in the hospital, I cried my heart out. I did not let my husband see me cry. I had to put up a brave front. What pains me most is not the disease itself but the pain and hurt it brought to my loved ones eyes. Little did I know that the day after my operation, my husband and my brother and sisters were crying their hearts out when they knew of my prognosis. My parents were told and they were very distressed. It was decided that my children would be told. I cannot bear to see them hurt so I acted as normal as I can but deep inside I can almost feel my heart being ripped apart.
What hurts the most was the realization of how short a life we are all given in this world. I felt time is running out for me. I realized my mortality. And the most painful was the realization that if I do leave this world... life will continue on without me...yes my loved ones will grieve for a while but they will have to move on...without me... that hurts like hell. This is so unfair, I thought to myself. I cannot just go when it is so good to be alive. I desperately wanted to be a part of my family and friends' lives. I have so many things to do. I have so many dreams that I have yet to realize. I have not even gone to all the fantastic places in the Philippines. I want to see the world. I want to see Italy to taste and feel its culinary richness. I want to see France and be awed by its museums. I want to see Switzerland and see the magnificent alps. I want to experience winter and see snow. :-) I want to visit Rome and see the Pope. Oh so many things to do, so many places to see in so little time.
The months that followed were the most challenging... endless visits to the doctors, numerous tests.. bone scan.. chest CT.. abdominal CT, and of course the chemotherapy sessions. I met the most cool doctor, my med/onco. She is a no nonsense doctor. She explained to me the regimen she would be administering. She explained all the side effects I would be experiencing. Of course through all of these, financial problems were mounting. The chemotherapy sessions were very costly. I did not know how it happened and how I finished those 12 sessions of chemotherapy and 28 days of radiation when I have no money to my name. Needless to say help poured in from family and friends and up to now I owe a lot of people money. I surprised my doctors because chemotherapy was a breeze for me. Of course I felt all those side effects my doctor warned me about, but I guess it was how I fought them that pulled me through. The most depressing part was when I started to lose my hair, not because I am vain but because that was the time I realized, I AM REALLY SICK. I never thought it would be that fast. Imagine sleeping the night before with all your hair and waking up the next day with blobs of hair in the pillow. I was afraid to comb my hair because it would literally fall off until nothing was left. I can almost feel the raw pain in my husband's eyes when he looks at me. I do not care so much for appearances and in fact I shock people when I do not wear my bandana and the wig my sister bought me because it was too damn uncomfortable. My friends were even more surprised because while I was going through treatment I would go to the mall and watch a movie and meet my friends for lunch. I just have to go on with life. My mom says I am too hardheaded. I knew I was immunocompromised but that did not stop me. Thank God I did not catch anything, not even a cold. I remember everybody in the house catching a cold because of the rainy season and I was the only one who was spared. Friends who saw me cannot believe that I was sick. In fact they tell me that I have that certain look, that I looked peaceful and contented and that I looked radiant and beautiful. My doctor friend who was my mentor in MT school told me I am the only person she knew who went through chemotherapy and improved in appearance. Maybe because I lost weight at that time. Hahahaha! :-)There was a time in my life when I avoided looking at myself in the mirror, but now when I do, I smile because I like what I see, and it is beyond the physical looks. I knew what people saw in me...inner peace and calmness because I now realize what really matters... FINALLY I GET WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT AND IT IS AN INTOXICATING FEELING, A NATURAL HIGH, MORE POTENT THAN ANY MEDICINE IN THIS WORLD.. I will not even attempt to define it because I cannot. I just feel it. Once I heard a cancer survivor say that she wishes everybody the things she learned minus the sickness, and I totally agree with her.
Ironically, it was the most challenging chapter of my life, yet it was the time I felt the happiest. I felt the love of God, the warm love of family and friends. It was when I finally got what life is all about. Even the smallest thing I am thankful for. One time when I was walking on my way to work, I looked around me and I was awed and I cried because I felt so alive. The realization was so amazing. Before, I easily get pissed even at the smallest things, but now nothing fazes me anymore. Oh I still get frustrated when perfect situations go wrong, when people make life difficult for me, when some people are so petty, when they are so full of themselves, when their ego is as big as the world, and when people misunderstand my intensity and gung-ho attitude, but I take it all in stride because I know what really matters. After all, life is too short to be wasted on petty things. My fervent prayer is not to lose sight of this and keep this feeling alive in my heart forever.
** Thank you to my dear artist friend Beth Parrocha-Doctolero for lending me one of her paintings. She says it is my picture.The title is wirewalker and xtra large :-). It is part of her alphabet watercolor collection. She tells me that I am like the elephant in the picture... walking on a wire and yet there is sheer joy on the elephant's face. :-)
Sunday, December 9, 2007
New At This
After a lot of prodding from friends to start a blog, I finally got around to start it. Funny, but it is when I have so much work to do, is when I decided to do this. I guess now I have the confidence to write about how I truly think and feel.... on anything... or just about everything. Come to think of it, who will be interested in what I think or what I have to say, and who would even care? I guess it stems from my one true desire in this life... to make a difference in another person's life. Such big words huh. Well that's how I feel. And I hope to make a positive difference. It is not what you say... It is not what you do... It is how you make another person feel. My mantra, I guess.
Technically, I am not sure if what I am doing is right. Ha! There was a time in my life when I would not even go near a computer, a window for me is where you look out to see what is happening outside your house, url and http and all those computer jargon were alien to me and worse, my typing speed was 9 words per minute. Hahahaha! But I guess everything can be learned if you set your mind to it. I still have a lot more to learn, and mind you some things I learned the hard way, most of them from committing a lot of mistakes like sending a 6MB attachment in an email that clogged the whole mail traffic. Embarassing but I definitely learned something that day. :) I still am not computer savvy but I try. And I get by with a lot of help and patience from my friends.
So here goes... my journey through life... my thoughts... read on...
Technically, I am not sure if what I am doing is right. Ha! There was a time in my life when I would not even go near a computer, a window for me is where you look out to see what is happening outside your house, url and http and all those computer jargon were alien to me and worse, my typing speed was 9 words per minute. Hahahaha! But I guess everything can be learned if you set your mind to it. I still have a lot more to learn, and mind you some things I learned the hard way, most of them from committing a lot of mistakes like sending a 6MB attachment in an email that clogged the whole mail traffic. Embarassing but I definitely learned something that day. :) I still am not computer savvy but I try. And I get by with a lot of help and patience from my friends.
So here goes... my journey through life... my thoughts... read on...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
